Frivolity

You know when you disappear for a while - from friends, family, facebook or blogger - and getting back into it gets harder and harder?

Yeah, that's me.

I've been in a terrible trial the past week. It's taken a lot out of me, mentally (too many exhibits, mostly covered in blood-ew), physically (still have a headache) and emotionally. And now that I've been away from you all so long, I feel like a stranger walking into a room of best friends. I feel meek, embarrassed, the odd one out, and much less confident than normal.

I'm not as funny as you all. Or as dedicated. I come and go, blogging daily and then not at all. I don't plan blogs for when I am on vacation. I feel less than you. And maybe some of that is from this trial - it quite literally took over my life for quite a few days. But some of that comes from my bitter friend, Esmerelda.

And this is precisely why I always stop journaling/blogging. Esmerelda comes in and makes me feel pathetic. "You haven't written anything in days, why start now? Obviously, you aren't dedicated to this venture, you never are. I told you so - I knew you'd run out of steam."

I'm a floppy bit of mush at the moment. I sat in a Courtroom, mere feet from a double-murderer. I watched him. He laughed. He talked to his family. He threw trash on the floor. He never looked at the victims' family with remorse, it was always with some cocky-ass grin. When the Jury read the verdict, he untucked his shirt, put on some chapstick, and sat down.

Somedays I think this job may make me cynical. But I think as long as this bothers me, I will be okay.